I am a latina , raised on the streets of Santa Ana or should I say Santana, California. One of my sister was in a gang, that same gang also taken her life (killed, drug related). My brother has been in and out of prison as far back as I can remember.
At that time of my father passing, I lived with my mother and brother who was usually wacked out on herrione most of the time.
I am the youngest of 6 kids. When my father passed, all of my sisters moved in. This is the begining of my battle with drugs addiction, gangs and homelessness. And the begining of my struggle out of gangs.
I have been shot at, jumped by other gang members.
When my father passed away I tried to commit suicide by either drug overdose or cutting my wrist. I was in so much pain, why did he leave me here.
Of course my father was very abusive with us, especially on my mother. But when he passed away, I had to get a job at 14 years old, to support my mother. My mother had medical problems and she needed someone to pay the bills. My mother never worked in her life other than being a house wife.
My sisters never helped because they don't know how to read or write. They were aways on drugs.
I was very suicidal, I would go alone to other barrior's, I wanted someone to kill me, as I was apparentley a coward, I was not able to commit suicide.
There were times that I just wanted the pain to go away, I therefore, use to slice my legs, hoping this will take my other pain away. I know this doesn't make sense. But, life never make any sense, unless you make sense out of it.
I was kicked out of high school due to my voilent behavior.
I started my difficult journey out of gangs when I found out I was pregnant at 15 years old. My mother wanted me to have an abortion. But I did not believe in this.
I knew that I did not want this kind of life for my children.
Unfortunatley, my family did not support my views, and called me a trader, backstabber, stuck up, of course there were names that I do not wish to say.
I therefore had to cut my ties with them. I lived off the streets or sleep at my friends house. After having my son, I went back to school to get my GED, after 7 or more tries I finally accomplished this. I then went to college to get some training courses.
The most painful thing in my life was the lost of my mother, due to my change out of gangs and her passing without having being able to speak with her or any forgiveness between us.
My mother disowned me, at a young age, she threw me out of the house stating that I was the problem child in the family.
I was confused, she said that I was the trouble maker because I would defend my nieces and nephews from the clutches of my drunk, drug induced sisters.
She said that I was the problem in the family because I always the only one that fought with my sisters andor brother.
But the reason for my fist fight with my sister, was to protect my nieces and nephews.
The final blow, is when my mother gave me my walking papers when one of my sister came home either drunk or druged or both, she pushed my little niece into a glass shower door breaking it and spraining or breaking her arm.
I punched my sister told her that she will never lay a hand on my niece again. But my mother told me that this was her daughter and she has the right to do whatever she wanted to her. I of course said there is no way any of my sisters will lay a hand on any of their kids, at least not while I was around to protect them. My niece at that time was only about 10 years old. This is when I was thrown out of the house. But yet my mother would still demand money from me although I did not have much to give espeicailly since I was now pregnant.
Needless to say I was very confused. As I thought I was doing right by protecting their kids and getting out of gangs, drugs and attempting to better myself
But because I did not want to associate with gangs I was told that I betrayed my family.
I finally found a good job, now my sisters and brother wanted money from me. I of course said no, and as always they hated me. They said that I thought I was to good for them since I am now making good money, owned my car and now owning my very first home.
My sisters got some of my clothes that I left at my mother home, and tore it up, it was all sliced up by razor blade. My car was scratched, I believe it was by them.
I then started having crank calls at my home by my so call family. My mother left me awful messages on my answering machine stating that I was dead to her, and I was not her daughter. This was her last message on my answering machine before her passing. Because I had to move from my home and change my phone number.
But now that I see back, I was never wanted in that family. As I was growing up, I remember my father telling me that he wished I was never born, that I should have been a boy. My sister and brother also telling me that I wasn't their flesh and blood, I was adopted or my mother took me from my real family.
Of course my father abused me by hitting me with a whip, or branch or whatever he could find at the time. I really thought this was normal.
My mother did not want anything to do with me or my kids. I did not speak with my mother for over 8 years until she passed away a few years ago. She had a stroke which paralized her from moving or talking.
I was very hurt , I did not find out my mother was dying until a week and a half later when a neighbor located me and contacted me.
Well I showed up at the hospital. I was very nervous, but I stood strong by her bed side.
Although, she did not talk, she did say alot with her eyes, I really want to believe that she tried to ask for my forgiveness.
I finally said to her that I forgave her and it was ok to move on and meet with my father, she then looked at each of my sisters and brother in the eye (as to tell them to try to make a family of whats left in ours) , then looked up at the ceiling like she was seeing someone or my father spirit up there, one of my great nephew who was about 11 months old was waving to some one in the room that wasn't physically there. I knew they came to take my mother away. I believe she was holding on to life at least until I showed up to visit her and talk to her. When she was looking at me, she had tears comming out of her eyes, then she silentley passed away.
This outraged my sister and brother, they all said I killed my mother by telling her that it was ok to die.
Needless to say my sisters and brother did not want me there. I still attended her funeral/mass. But I felt all alone as nobody wanted me there. The only support I had was my new husband and my 3 boys.
My regret is that my kids did not get to meet their grandmother. They still don't know their aunts and uncle. This is my sister and brother choice.
Well to make a long story short. I feel that I am a survivor. I now am a claims professional earning about $60,000.00 a year. I still feel that I need my family approval, but I don't let this hold me back. I believe I accomplished alot out of life.
I am respected by professionals. Although, I some time face prejudice because of my tatoos on my hands. But my thoughts are that if they don't want to know me then this is their loss.
I raised my kids and some of my neice and nephews with full knowlege of gangs, prejudice. I've also encourage to help others that are less fortunate. Not to under estimate people but yet not to take people for granted.
To be proud of their race.
Of course there is alot more to say about my life story. I just thought I would drop your website a line by saying there is a way out of gangs and abuse, and to enrigh your life by education. And you can always make things right in your life with your own kids, and friends you meet along your journey out of gangs.
It's never to late, unless you give up. You don't have to be pefect just be yourself.
I hope this helps some one in need.
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