the symbol means that the story has changed perspective from one persons point of view to another's

I didn't want to leave her like that. She's my sister. I don't even know why it happened to me. I feel bad for my brothers too. But mostly my sister. Reina (well that's her nickname. Her name is Catalina. But only the family knows that.) Reina always had my back. Even then. I can still hear her laughing, even when my jokes weren't that funny. Man, I wonder what's going to happen now. I never knew the memories would stay. I can still remember the day. I was walking down the street turning the corner. The sun had set, the sky was a little clear, there was still a little light outside. But not enough to see the guy's face when they rolled up on me. I was across the street. If I just couldda made it inside the house. I saw Reina in her favorite red shirt sitting on the front steps of our brother's house. Elario was there, too. But he had just gone in for a second. A blue Mustang pulls up right next to me.

"Ey homie, where you think you're goin?"
"Huh? Step off."
"We don't play. Ain't yo name Ramón?"
"Who wants to know?"
"Me, bitch..."

He all of a sudden hopped out of the car. He was dressed in black jeans and a blue shirt. Right then I knew he was a X3. I was a little worried now. I mean it's not like nobody has ever stepped to me before. But this time it was kinda different. Like they were actually gonna do something. I saw my sister standing up. I wanted her to go inside. If anything went down, I didn't want her hurt. I also didn't want her to be involved. She always wants to handle things herself, and do crazy stuff when something important to her is threatened. So I didn't know what she was about to do now. Anyways, the guy pushed me back. I was just like

"Step off blood, you don't even know me?"
"Oh I know you... I know you." He pushed me up against the fence.

Where was Reina?

Two of his boys got out of the car. One stayed to keep the car heated. It seemed like hours were passing. All of a sudden a fist fires in my stomach. I'm standing in the street. Now I feel iron at my chest.
"We comin for your sister next!"
BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM BOOM.

It seemed like they disappeared. I guess they hopped in the car and drove off. But as fast as they disappeared Reina was holdin on to me. I had never seen her cry.

"What's wrong?" she looked at me confused.
"What? Nothing." I looked around and saw blood on the ground. I was starting to feel sick. Dizzy. Reina's shirt was covered in blood. I realized it was mine. I couldn't really breathe.

"Mijo it's gonna be OK, kay? Just stay awake. Ramón... You know I love you, right?"
"Yeah..." I think when she said that I knew I wasn't going to make it.
"Reina... Te quiero mucho. You're my sister. Don't let me go." I started to cry.
"Reina don't ever let me go... please."
"I won't, I promise. It's gonna be OK. Come one just breath. Come on. Ramón you can't leave me. I need you, come on!!!..." Her crying sealed it.
"I love you..." I ripped off my cross necklace...
"Here... I can't use it anymore. Keep it. I'll be waiting for you. I love you..."
"No!!! I can't! Ramón nooo!!!! You can't go..."
"Make... make me one promise..."
"anything..."
"please..."
"I promise I won't. As soon as I give back what they did to you I promise."
"No... now. Stop now."
"I can't Ramón. I have to do this."
"For who? If it's for me... leave it alone."
"...all right... I promise."
"Thank you... I love you"
"I love you too..." her eyes.
"Goodbye Catalina..."
"Goodb... no, no no you can't go. Don't leave m..."

Then everything was silent. That's all I remember. I hope she's OK. When I left, it was the most painful thing I have ever felt. Leaving wasn't the hard part, it didn't hurt. It was just seeing her cry, in a way I had always wanted to. I didn't think she could. But when she did, I couldn't handle it. It had to be so much worse then I thought. She never let em go. I miss my brothers, too. I never got to tell them how much I love them. I don't know how I would have. Even now. I know they know, but... How am I gonna get through this without them? I've always been with them. How are they gonna get through this? I guess the answer to my question will be answered... I always wondered who would be the ones to come to my funeral. My friends or my enemies.

Who are they? Oh shit! Those are them fools from the party!!

"What's wrong?" What do you mean what's wrong!??!!

"What? Nothing." Oh my God. Somebody's got to get out here... "Mijo it's gonna be OK, kay, just stay awake... Ramón you know I love you right?" What is going on?! Where is everyone. Please God. Save Ramón.
"Yeah... Reina... Te quiero mucho. You're my sister. Don't let me go. Reina don't ever let me go... please."
"I won't, I promise. It's gonna be OK. Come one just breath. Come on. Ramón you can't leave me. I need you, come on!!!..." I was pleading. I never could wish this pain on anyone. It hurt more then anything I have ever felt in my lifetime.

"Here..." he ripped off his cross necklace. "I can't use it anymore. Keep it. I'll be waiting for you. I love you..."
"No!!! I can't! Ramón nooo!!!! You can't go..."
"Make... make me one promise..."
"anything..."
"please..." I knew what he wanted. He had asked me before. He'd been asking ever since initiation.
"I promise I won't. As soon as I give back what they did to you I promise."
"No... now. Stop now."
"I can't Ramón. I have to do this."
"For who? If it's for me... leave it alone."
"...all right... I promise."
"Thank you... I love you"
"I love you too..." His eyes looked so deep.
"Goodbye Catalina..."
"Goodb... no, no no you can't go. Don't leave me. Noooo. I can't. Ramón you can't go. Please don't leave me like this. Just one more day. Don't leave me like this. Stay awake. Just one more second. Despiertate mijo... wake up... I can't do this anymore."

God please tell me how I am supposed to make it??? How am I supposed to finish life without one of my brothers? One of my best friends? I know I don't spend that much time here... Ever since my mother... but please help me... How could you do this??? Why did you have to take him? He was only 14. Why did you take him so early? Is this a punishment for all the things me and my brothers have done? Did we not deserve Ramón? How could I let this happen? All I could do was watch from the steps. I didn't know... You paralyzed me... Why? I could have saved him! I could have been down there faster then lightning, but you stopped me.. why? He wasn't even involved!! He didn't have anything to do with anything. He wasn't a Norte, so why did the Sureños flex on him??? What am I supposed to do now!?? Have him wait for me... If things keep going the way they are, I won't be to far behind. Tell him I love him. Watch him for me. He can act so crazy sometimes. I remember one time we were walking down Mission, we had just got some of the bombest food, and we were both kinda hyper. And he started talking so loud I swear they couldda heard him way into Fruitvale. It was so embarrassing. But it was so funny. He was telling stupid jokes about nothing. Or one time when we were like eight, we had an ice cream fight. Our mom had to come in there and stop us from getting ice cream all over the comedor. It was so funny cuz...

"Excuse me, miss?"
"Yeah?"
"Hi I'm Dr. Peters. This is officer Smith."
"Yeah, yeah, what happened to Ramón?" The look on his face was about to kill me.

"Well, he had multiple injuries to the abdominal area, massive hemorrhages in the intestinal and pelvic areas... what I'm trying to say is, he umm... He didn't make it."
Elario and Emilio grabbed my hands and sat me down. I didn't want to hear that. I wasn't ready.
"Why the fuck is he here?" Angel could be counted on to spot the cop.
"Well I'm an officer in the Mission District Gang Unit. I've heard stories about you."
"You ain't heard shit!"
"Why the hell would you come down here right now!??!?! Get out, JUST GET OUT!!!"
I couldn't understand it. I still had the necklace in my hand.
"I didn't know hospitals had little churches in them. This is nice."
"Why are you still here!!?"
"Reina calm down."
"Elario te callas. You know he ain't here to solve no crime. They neva do. So there's no point in you being here so BOUNCE!!"
"What are you gonna do about it?" I jumped up as fast as I could. I wanted to slam his head into the wall. I acted like I was about to do it, but I just ran past him. Why was all this happening? Where's Dr. Peters?
"Dr. Peters, Dr. Peters..." I was out of breath. "Can I, excuse me I don't normally cr... well anyways, could I..."
"Do you want to see him?"
I could only nod my head. He took me to some far away room. I almost couldn't go in. I sat down in a chair. Right next to him. There were more tubes around him then I have hair. I guess you'll think I'm crazy now, but I started talking to him.

Ramón, tomorrow, when you wake up, we can go to the movies. Go see that one movie you wanted to see. What was it called again? Man, I can't remember. It's all right though. Man I'm still gonna buy you that shirt you wanted for your birthday. You know, the black Ben Davis one. Yeah... Ramón, I've thought about my promise. An I can only make this to you. As soon as I find out who, who did this to you. As soon as whatever happens to him, happens to him, I promise, I won't claim anymore. I'll give up XIV. I won't be a Norteña anymore. I know how much you hated it anyway. I won't tell Elario, Emilio or Angel until I actually do it. Maybe they'll understand then. Even if they don't, it's coo. I love. You have no idea what I would do to see you again. To hear you laugh, or even yell at me, just once... just have you here. For a second more. God loved you. Say hi to mama for me.

"Come on Reina, it's time to go."

I couldn't let go of my brother's hand. I felt like half of me had just been ripped out and thrown in the gutter. And it was too far for me to reach to try to get it back. I'm gonna handle this.

I've always had to be the strongest. How am I supposed to be that now? I always said that when something like this happened, I could handle it. I guess I kinda expected it. Just not Ramón. He didn't have anything to do with it. Ramón wasn't even at that party. Man, just yesterday he said

"Elario, what happens if this ever comes back to me?"
Damn, I hope Reina doesn't find out who did this first. Cuz by the way she lookin right now, she'll cancel anything and everything in her path. I ain't neva seen her cry. I mean some stuff has happened, and she didn't cry then. And look at her now. I wonder how much longer she can take this. Hell, I'm tired myself. The streets ain't for me no more. After a while you realize, you can't go to anymore funerals. You're tired: your mind can't take it anymore. You begin to feel trapped inside yourself. Inside some barrier made of invisible lines on a street. In your city. You start trippen on how you've never even been outside of you city. Reina was jokin around one time when she told me

"es malo, cuando eres acostumbrado a las sirenas de la policía, and the gunshots outside."

The scent of gardenia filled the church.
Nuestra Dama de Guadelupe's shadow was cast over my brother's body. Doves were in the windowsill. Rosaries hung all around him. I hadn't been in a church since my mother passed. But everyone still knew me. I guess you never forget. I never really tripped on death, until it almost came to me. I didn't respect it then either. I guess it's different when death's blue rag is starin you in the face. You don't think about yourself. You think about how you not being here affects other people around you. When that 45 was pointed at my temple on Friday night all I could think about was how was I going to watch out for my brothers. What will they do? Who will they go to? Or my best friend Salvador. How could I leave him like that? I did everything I could to get out of that, and now look. It turned out to be my kid brother in front of that bullet. Why do we play these games with ourselves? You never really trip on death until he visits a brother.

I've had homeboys killed in front of me. I've had cousins die. I've seen a lot of battle. And over what? My street. My color. What the hell am I doing? My worth is as much as the red rag I hold in my hand. Nothing. As I sit here, looking at my brother. All the flowers around, I remember a question he once asked. When I die, I wonder who will be at my funeral, my friends or my enemies. I wish I could tell him right now. Everyone is here. The priest who gave him the necklace Reina is wearing, cousins, Sur and Norte. Friends. Why are them fools here? Did they just come and make sure he's dead? Maybe they thought he was me. I wish it was me. So that it wasn't Ramón. So I could be out of this. Me canso. Quiero una vida. Beyond this. I know there's more. Catalina looks so dejected. I don't know how she does it.

Wow. All these people are here. This is crazy, I'm looking at myself. Lying so peacefully among a grove of flowers. And Catalina. Elario. Emilio. Angel. So somber. Their whole guard has been dropped. It hurts me to see that this once hard wall they had built, I tore down so quickly. Look at all my friends. My cousins. My aunts. Passing saying words.

"You'll always be in my homeboy in the heart." My friend Jaime.

"We'll miss you always homie..." Even Marisol came. I didn't think she'd come after I dumped her.

"Too bad." Officer Smith.

"She did this to you. I know she did. And I'll make sure she knows it. Te faltaré, Ramón." My Tia Juana. She's always been out to get my sister. For some reason she never liked her.

"I'll keep a spot for you homie..."

"I'm sorry Ramón. This is all my fault. I didn't know that one girl would go off and tell her man. I didn't think it would come back to you. You never wanted me to be what I am. And now it's my fault. It's as good as I pulle... pulled the trigger. Please. Please forgive me. No puedo vivir sabiendo que fue mi culpa..."
No, No. It's not your fault. No fue tu culpa. Esta bien. I wish I could hold her and tell her it's OK.

"What am I gonna do now ey?"

"good..." What!!! What are they doing here?

"You did this to him!!!" All of a sudden I hit the floor. This broad slapped me at my own brothers funeral!
"You don't know what you're talking about!!"
"Yeah I do! Eres una Nortena. I always knew you would mess up the family!"
"Step off! No vives donde yo vivo! You didn't grow up as me!"
"No I didn't, but that doesn't give you an excuse to have your brother killed!"
"I didn't have my brother killed!"
"Yeah, right. He didn't follow in your footsteps as a Norteño, so you had him killed. He was the only one your mother raised right!"
"You get out of here..." I never said anything with more malice in my life.
"You have to wake up in the morning and realize what you are. Some ruthless gang member. I can't protect you from yourself. I've heard stories about you, Catalina. My son's come home y me dicen todo."
"Yeah, I know your son's, and they ain't no ángeles themselves."
"They're better than you."
"Get out"
"You probably would have killed tu propia madre, si no murió on her own." I was paralyzed. Why, what would make you say that now? I had so much anger and energy i could have taken her out. But right behind her was Perón, his girlfriend and one other guy.

"Debes de ser mas que esta chica aca..." she turned to Rosaria, Perón's girlfriend.
"That chica killed you nephew." I turned and walked outside so fast. I promised I wouldn't do any of this anymore. If you only knew how undeniable the turmoil in my chest was. The pressure, the pain, the strength. Sitting outside on the steps in the rain of my old church. Where my mother had been married and buried. And now my brother. I wondered why I was here.

"Catalina..."
"Yeah."
"How are you doing?"
"All right I guess. As good as I'm gonna be..."
we looked out into the rain. Trying to define the tears from it. Looking at how freely it poured through the street. Never having to choose a path. Just going where it pleased. Wherever that was.

"I had a dream." She looked out at the rain.
"I had a dream that it was me who got killed and Ramón was holing me. Telling me it was going to be all right. After I ... after I died I felt light. I mean, like a weight had been taken off me. The weight of not having to watch my back, and I could go wherever I wanted. The scars on my shoulder, when Javier cut XIV into it for em, they were gone. Everything was gone. And I was lonely. I realized that this, this right here... is all I have. Nothing. The fight I was in, never happened. Rosaria never stepped to me. Perón never flashed his gun at my temple. Nothing. And that is what I felt like. Nothing. And that is what my life meant."

She looked at me. "And I wonder what it means now."
I thought about what she said for a long time. I had had been thinking the same thing for months.
"Why are they here?"
"...You know why..."
"They know he's dead. There's no reason to come up here and mess with us."
"I know. But they do it... Are they the ones who did it? You're the only one who saw them."
"Yeah. Remember them from the party?"
"That was them!!??"
"Yeah."
"And you didn't do anything!?
"Elario sit down!" there was a rock in the path now and the water was forced to go around it.
"I'm not a Norte anymore." And she got up and went inside. What is this? You can't just say "I'm not" and you're not.

I don't believe it. She held her promise. If she can only keep it.

I don't believe I let them walk away. Three days ago they wouldn't have had a tomorrow. What's wrong with me?
"Reina that was them?!!"
"Yeah!"
"That was the girl you got in a fight with on Friday?!"
"Yeah, the one who went and got her man..."
"Why didn't you say anything!?"
"Ramón didn't want me to."
"WHAT!"
"Look I promised him I wouldn't be a XIV anymore, and that I wouldn't go after the people who shot him. He made me do it, right before... he..."

I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore. My other brothers, Angel, and Emilio heard, I guess. They took me back outside.

It all makes sense now. When you do something to them, they hurt your familia to get to you. They don't want to see you dead. They want you in pain. So they hurt the ones close to you. Who would have known that what I did, would kill my brother. One little fight. And she got her man. Perón tried to flex on me. Perón got embarrassed in front of all his boys. He had to prove that no girl, not even Reina could punk him. And that his girl wouldn't take any shit.

"I can't protect you from yourself"

repeats over and over in my head. No I had to pay. It was my brother. Now I wonder, even though I'm not a Norte, when will it be me lyin in that casket? When will I be taken under? These games are all in my head. I grew up this way. And now I can't get out.

"fallin to the floor, I'm beggin for the Lord to let me into Heaven's door."

-So Many Tears
-Tupac Shakur....

by Reina aka Maka

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